Normalising Coaching

So, here I am again, another 2 weeks has passed and I find myself at my desk – timer on. 

“When I post anything, write anything, even say things out loud sometimes – I find these filters incredible useful:

Is it Kind? 

Is it Necessary?

Is it Useful?

(you can see me explain more about these in this video)

I have been wanting to write about coaching. And I wondered if that might be a little self serving, so haven’t until now…

But, I’ve had to check it….is it Kind? Necessary? Useful? 

The answer is yes. In fact coaching, as a service for people, is KIND, NECESSARY AND USEFUL. 

But so often seemingly inaccessible to so many. It often has a feel of being a service to the privileged. 

I am on a bit of a mission to change that. Because powerful coaching changes lives

As many of you will know by now, I am playing with a variety of ideas to make coaching more available and affordable for everyone, in every walk of life. It’s part of a wider aim to ‘normalise’ coaching – like so many other services we access —— “I have a sore tooth, I go to the dentist” – “I need a haircut I find a hairdresser”  –  “I want to change something, I go to a coach”. 

My coaching is more affordable than an NHS dentist, it’s around the same price as a family cinema ticket, it’s cheaper than most haircuts! And has a powerful and uplifting impact on your life.

It astounds me what creating space with a coach can do. The benefits of coaching are HUGE. I have proof:

The difference these women below have created for themselves is amazing, and a direct result of accessing space with a coach. 

Because that is all coaching is, a space where you can think better, all I do is facilitate your thinking, to allow you to find the right answers. Because more often than not, you already know them. Working out how to be more resourceful, calm, present, and better communicators generates big changes in your life. 

These women have done exactly that: 

An accountant I worked with has gone from feeling ‘like a timid snail’ at work, unable to speak up even in small meetings, to now facilitating online workshops, securing a new role in her company, and speaking at an event with 300 people present. Over a few months her confidence has soared. She now believes in herself, and her capabilities.

A wonderful 3rd year student who came to me in February on the verge of leaving uni, feeling unable to cope with the pressures of the final year. 3 months later, she told me that the change in her is “beyond huge, I have made amazing progress – my achievement in my work is beyond my wildest dreams” (folks – she just got the highest mark EVER given on her course for her dissertation – which will now be published!). 

I completed a 6 month engagement last week with a wife, mother of 3, and a primary school teacher who felt ‘like a crushed woman’ back in December. She came to coaching exhausted and looking find energy to be more motivated, find joy and set an example to her children of togetherness, discipline and care. And it has worked. She is (and I am) beyond proud of what she has achieved, and the steadiness and contentment she now can find within her, even in the most stressful situations. 

I am often in awe of the power that holding a coaching space can open in people.

And I want to make sure everyone is able to access coaching and bring about change for the better. These are just one of a number of stories….see what people have written about coaching on my reviews here.

So – Kind? yes because if anyone reads this and has a coaching session with me it will be a free initial session. (I always offer those here

Necessary? Yes, because coaching enables people to be better human beings. 

Useful? Yes because you may not have realised my coaching is less than a family cinema ticket or haircut – So it is affordable! 

So, if you have been thinking about doing some work with me, then please do book a free coaching session to get a flavour of what is possible. 

You never know what you are capable of.

Ooooh this one took me 26 minutes!! (ooops!) 

Have a wonderful Weekend Folks

Joey x

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

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Listening Is Magic… It Conjures a Calm, and a Confidence

This is part of my 20 minute writing practice. I start the timer, write for 20 minutes, stop. Check for typos and press ‘publish’…. You can learn more on my post “A Little Inspiration” on the 4th of March.

Timer is on….

“So, I have sat for a few moments, cleared my mind and asked – ‘what will be useful, kind and necessary to write about today?’

And I listened for an answer….

Listening…..

Ooooh….

Something around Listening.

Yes listening! I am so in awe right now of how powerful listening is! I can write about this…

My coaching practice has shown me the power of listening time and again, but also outside in relationships, as parents, at work. True listening is truly wonderful.

For me there are a number of reasons I have learned why this is: it brings about calm; it makes people more bright and inventive; and it allows people to feel valued. 

I’m wondering if you believe me and are asking for evidence….

Honestly, Listening is magical. 

I shall explain….

Firstly, I have often in my workshops used a Closed Eye exercise that involve simply listening to a piece of paper falling to the floor. I stand in the centre of a circle of the group. First I let go of an A4 size piece of paper and let it drop, then I tear it in half, then quarters, then eights, dropping a smaller and smaller piece – each time asking people to raise their hand when they hear it land. 

Sometimes the tiniest piece of paper can be heard as it gently floats and lightly taps the floor beneath. This process has a magical ability to calm everyone participating. It require focus, stillness, and calm. Then we listen to all we can hear: within us, within the room, and beyond the room….and the silence, and lack of it, brings about calm, peace, ease. 

It’s magic and beautiful to experience as a group.

Secondly, when you consciously listen you receive all the person speaking has to say. It is almost like meditation. Pause, look, hear, absorb…. the ‘sender’ or ‘speaker’, or ‘thinker’ and you will give them something – they benefit on two levels:

One – the feeling of being truly heard is so valuable. Someone listening, just for listening’s sake, will accept all that is being ‘sent’ our spoken. The listener will wait until the speaker has finished (NO interruptions), then will summarise what has been said, check it, and allow the speaker to say anything they felt wasn’t quite right. 

Just that process in itself gives great value.

AND secondly – that process – it actually makes space for the speaker to THINK BETTER. The lister allows space for ‘speaking out to think out’. 

People who are being truly listened to become more resourceful, more able to be creative, explorative, and often therefore find solutions themselves, which, so fantastically, can deepen and strengthen self reliance and confidence. 

Listening is magic. 

Truly listening. 

Being Heard is magic.

Truly being heard.

I will practice it today – I invite you to as well –

Even if only to what you can hear, right now”

Time is up, I’ll write again in two weeks x

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

Too. much. to. do. and finding calm and strength

This fantastic group of women create enormous power in their connection, acceptance, openness and that helps us all as women feel sure and steady.

This is part of 20 minute writing practice – I set the timer, see what comes to my mind, write for 20 minutes, stop writing, check for typos, add a photo, and post .

This week – if you haven’t time to read then you can just skip to the end bullets to remind yourself of ways to find calm….

Timer is set…

“Well this week I find myself with a feeling of MANY THINGS TO DO. The thoughts crept up before I had really noticed them. And by then a knotting in my stomach, a tightness in my chest, and it was too late – an old negative pattern was ignited – I’m on high alert, this driven, crazy driven Joey – addicted to my to do list and timetable as if nothing else matters!

So, on Tuesday I really found myself questioning, like so many of my clients – can I do all of this without stress? Can I get perspective again? Do I do too much? Why don’t I get enough done? I’m sure you’re familiar with the pattern….. 😉

I decided to make a different type of bucket list (a practice I have done with some of the wonderful people I work with coaching them) – let’s see what ‘buckets’ (areas of your life) you are navigating right now. So…

  • I am a wife and mother and all the time that takes and the tasks it involves. 
  • I spend time everyday in coaching sessions or facilitating workshops.
  • I am a daughter, sister, friend
  • I facilitate and coordinate project work in Nepal, on zoom, or deep in paperwork.
  • I sing in a duo with my husband.
  • I play rugby with an amazing team of women and I manage, and first aid at my son’s rugby squad

What I think we, and by that I mean my friends, co-workers and my clients – mostly women between the ages of 25-55 – we don’t realise how much we actually have to do. 

How our lives are filled with many many MANY important things. 

I wonder, looking back on this period of our lives when we are lucky enough to be old- will we look back in awe and ponder – how on earth did we manage that?! 

Finding Calm, Sure and Steady.

SO…..I do have some ways to find calm when I start to panic about making sure I can do everything well enough at the time I need to. 

And perhaps – as I have 3 minutes left – they may be helpful to list – and useful to you, dear reader:

– I take time just a moment in the morning to breathe deeply. If only for one minute – I tend to look at something, breathe deeply and see what beauty I can find. This helps to calm you and allow you to find perspective.

– I find my ‘Have Done’ list more helpful and healthy than my ‘to do’ list. I list what I’ve actually done throughout days when I feel I am not accomplishing enough and the pressure of that.

-I do sport – any kind of sport. Running, yoga, meeting my team at rugby has been amazing this year for finding calm and strength. When I really do prioritise and make myself, even if it is just 15 minutes, then my days just goes better. Every time. The physiological and psychological impact of that is overwhelmingly positive.

– If I cannot do sport, then I have a cold shower which makes me more present and clear. (and awake!) 

– If I cannot do any of those things at all, I can keep doing anything I am doing, BUT I have a practice where I can just ‘notice’ in any given moment. Notice – the feel of the keyboard now on my fingertips. Notice  -the sun on the windowsill in the corner of my eye. Notice – I can feel love, happiness, by remembering a memory where I laughed out loud. Notice – ah, the timer going off today! 20 minutes is up. 

And I know there are many more things that might be useful when you begin to feel the overwhelm of 

too. many. things. to. do. arghhhh!!!! 

Just remember what you can do. Be realistic and savour what you have actually done. Because I bet you anything – you have done plenty already today. It all depends on how you look at it.”

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

Can We Transform Our Experience of Any Situation?

This is part of a 20 minute regular writing practice. I put the timer on. Write whatever comes to me, until the timer goes off. I check it for typos and any major sentence errors! And then I post it. It feels brave… 

And today – well it’s full of rubbish…

(If you would like to know more about this then you can check out my post from  the 4th of March when it all began…)

Ok, timer is on…

“Pause.

As I haven’t thought much about what I might write today. So I am pausing and listening to what might come up……

……Something that is coming to mind – is my mind! The thoughts that occur all. the. time. Those I focus on affect my experience of any given moment. If you have coached with me you will know that ‘Noticing’ is a practice I have worked on – sometimes consistently – sometimes not! Recently I have. And it always pays off. I remember there is the possibility to improve my experience of any given moment. 

This morning is a good example…..

Perhaps a slightly mundane one (!warning!). Seagulls had pulled apart the rubbish bag we had put out for collection last night. Pretty much the whole bag strewn across our driveway. At 7am our daughter comes into our room tell us this has happened. Yawn.

And, I think (yes…my thinking) “oh no, I’m sleepy still, I’m warm in bed, I’m going to get dirty, it’s a hard job, it’s cold outside, I want to ignore it, why did they have to do it to our rubbish not someone else’s?” etc. …and begin feel a bit miserable about it …. 

Then I caught that initial (and perfectly natural) response in the beginning of my thinking. 

I caught those thoughts. I noticed them and their impact. 

At that point I could have then easily criticised myself – “why are you so hopeless at being positive, why haven’t you learned to embrace everything yet?” yet more thoughts…. blah bla bla ….and still felt would have felt miserable.

But, a third option – In the moment I could choose thoughts to focus on respond I imagined how I would feel once it was done, – pretty good. Then I suggested to myself to think of 2 things positive about the rubbish all over our driveway. 

“Wow! We live by the sea, this is a small price to pay for living by the sea and seagulls are amazing (if they’re called Jonathan ;0)) AND (bearing in mind I have worked in Nepal and India a lot and carried rubbish to a hole by the river) – “Thank goodness we have rubbish collection here that is pretty efficient, and they haven’t come yet so we have time to collect it up.” A little forced thoughts… but a little more positive too… and a possibility of improving the experience.

But this is the key part: In reality either way we were going to do it anyway – and quickly before the bin van came. So either I do it and be grumpy or I do it and enjoy it. I did the latter – LITERALLY CHANGING THE EXPERIENCE of a situation that is exactly the same – however I experience it.  

In reality – it was good! It was early morning teamwork with my husband – together. We got outside in the fresh air early (lovely) we were more awake and had achieved something before we’d sipped our morning coffee in bed. And we laughed at the sheer amount of mess a small creature can make!

I have had a similar situation where I continued to feel negative. My thinking? it was pretty much  “Bloody hell, mouldy muck on my fingers, this is rubbish, flipping seagulls, so much work always, too much to do for this”….etc and felt miserable and it was a rubbish (excuse the pun) start to my day. 

But today – I just changed my thinking, so changed the experience, and as a result the whole outset of the day. And it’s been a good’n!

The experience of my life, every moment, is completely tied into my thoughts. As are your experiences.

You can literally change the experience of any given situation, whatever the experience might be” 

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

The Power of Reality… (if your not a fool)

I am writing this today, as part of my new practice of writing for exactly 20 minutes only, checking for any typos, and posting. My aim is that I can build a small body of work that is perhaps helpful for my past, present and future clients to read. And turns out this piece, may have you become super-beings working magic…!

Okay, 20 minutes, timer is on: ….

“In the UK today it is April Fool’s day. A day for trickery… We play tricks and fool people into thinking something is happening that isn’t.

So can I trick you today? Actually as I ponder this I realise that I can trick myself. 

All the time. 

Because, as those of you that have worked with me will know that a sentence I often say is ‘What we think and what we feel is all that actually exists isn’t it?” If so, we get to have conjure up our own reality like magic – don’t we?” 

There are two quotes around this – the first is on a post-it note on my wall – 

Einstein’s “Reality is an illusion….albeit a very persistent one” 

and another is “Change your thoughts, Change the world”…. (I will have to check after the timer who said that!). 

Creating reality is powerful, but, to change the world you have to change your thoughts into actions don’t you? And usually you have to ‘persistently’ change those thoughts and actions to make reality ‘persistently an illusion’? 

So considering both of these while I write…. perhaps life is tomfoolery and trickery every single day, in a million ways, with as many different people who have the ability to think and magic up reality. We think therefore we are? (oh dear another quote….!) We only exist in the ‘experience of our thinking’. (that, I think might be Michael Neill)

well, the timer is ticking towards 20 minutes and I have started pondering the very existence of truth!

Ok…. it might be ‘true’ we create our own reality.

If so – it is almost the ultimate power to play with, and holds the strength to in turn, to generate positive impact. If you so wish. (depending on what you choose is ‘positive’ – oh no, this could get complicated…)

So I guess there are two threads to this writing today 

  • if we can have power over reality then we can change our experience of life, how we feel, how we manage each day, each choice, each relationship. 
  • if we can have power of reality then we can have greater impact on our community, our society and the wider world. 

Maybe we are actually magicians! Are we really able harness the power of our thoughts to indeed change the world? Of course we are! Just look at what people create in the world – tidal waves of impact, both negative and positive. But the key is to BELIEVE your thoughts – for them to actually be the ‘truth’. 

So how can you shift your thinking? Change your thoughts? And make changes? 

My answer comes as I write through this today …..I realise my most successful, impactful times are when I notice what I am actually thinking first. Because I may have many thoughts that come and go and I take action before I have really ‘thought’ about it at all!! I expect you never do that dear reader…. do you……

So for me….

It’s about Noticing. 

Being present with those thoughts. 

Allowing thoughts to come and go, then playing with them, adjusting them, noticing which ones carry more ‘truth’ – and how? Which ones I choose to give my attention to.

Making space to do that feels important. And taking action from those ‘truths’ is when I manage to create better, kinder, impact.

(Which basically I make up of course – don’t I? – do you?)”

food for fool’s thoughts….

Wishing you a fun April Fools folks…

(Honestly, the timer went off at “Allowing thoughts to come and go….” but I continued a couple more minutes….)

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

We are Tiny, so, Tiny Things Count

I wrote this yesterday. In exactly 20 minutes. It is part of my new writing practice you can find out more about in the post below. HOWEVER, on reading through for typos and spellings today, I thought, “I hope people read to the end otherwise they will walk away miserable!!” 

So – warningread this to the end…and, you may feel a little more powerful if you do…

Ok timer is set….

“This morning and felt a sinking feeling. Wasn’t sure why exactly. And two different voices in my head responded….

One voice within me went straight for a technique I know can work well: 

“Gratefulness. — Come on Joey! Think of 3 things to be grateful for! Come on! So easy, just 3 things, wallow in them, enjoy them, and you’ll feel better! Things are good! You can choose to feel better by sitting with those wonderful things on your life!”

Well….kind of, but…..

another voice has stepped in, it says, 

“No. Be realistic Joey. Look outwards not inwards. The world. It’s people. Ukraine. Conflict. Trauma. Pain. Suffering. Climate Crisis. Devastation. All the awful things. And my children have to grow up and be adults in a world that humans, of which I am one, are steadily pulling apart and making a more dangerous uncertain place.” 

And oh, how helpless I feel. 

But is it helpless? 

Actually I think it’s shame. Shame that I don’t do enough. Shame that I am part of a race that has become so utterly complex. Shame that I want to do better and create massive positive change, to feel better, and actually – have no idea how. 

So, shame and helplessness. 

What a wonderful way to be productive and helpful in the world. 

Oh dear. 

So, I said it aloud, to my husband. Who reminded me that we are tiny, tiny, and in the scheme of things, there is only so much we can do. And in the end life can be quite meaningless. Well then I felt better!!

I actually did. Instead of that crushing us, maybe we can take heed from it. And feel good about what we are doing. And do a little more of it. 

And it reminded me of the book Sapiens. My coach once referred to it as a resourceful tool for getting perspective when in emotional overwhelm – to know for sure, we are a minuscule dot, part of something so unimaginably bigger. And that’s ok. 

I often think in amazement of Arundhati Roy’s quote from her book ….. something like – If mother Earth was a 40 year old woman – we humans arrived a week ago. 

Think about that.

In the scheme of things. 

Utterly huge massive enormous expansive HUGE things that make up that scheme.

We are tiny. And, AND we can support those around us, AND we can increase love and care. AND  we can do little, tiny things. Always we can do those.

So, I collected a bunch of useful supplies and delivered them to my son’s school who have a minibus they are taking to Warsaw to help refugees. And I feel I have helped.

The shame is lifting a little. 

And I messaged friend who I know is struggling and set aside time for a conversation. 

And the shame is lifting a little more.

Perhaps when we know we are tiny the pressure is off a bit. And without the pressure, then we can help more easily. All of us. We can help anyone, and we will feel better for it. And we can do that everyday. Easily. 

Because if we are tiny, and all of us are tiny, then Tiny things count. 

If we are tiny – then tiny things count. I love this writing practice – I just got something really important – and you might feel it too! 

I was about to move into the idea of Trust and how that could tie in too – but oh! There’s the timer….. so maybe next time…..”

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

A Little Inspiration

This is my desk right now where I am writing – and so it begins…

Well, it has been a while since I have written …. I have kept telling myself, “it’s because I’m so busy with other work”, “people won’t want to hear from me”, “I don’t want to contribute to the online durge of endless people writing stuff”, or, well, with a little more honesty I often think …. “It’s too risky to write – people might actually read it and judge it” Eeeesh….(!!)………..So I didn’t prioritise it….

…Until a client yesterday had a stern word with me at the end of our session – “you are doing a disservice by not sharing this stuff – not sharing widely that your coaching even exists. Why Joey? When you could be helping more people!” Ouch. Ok.

So…. without starting regular social media posts again I have decided to a go little more subtle – and balanced – and do a post here every 2 weeks, that I spend no longer than 20 minutes writing. Timed. Strictly. And only very minimal editing afterwards. Then press send. Job done.

I begin this today, taking all the inspiration from Robbie Swayle’s most useful book “How to Start When You’re Stuck“. It is part of a way of life that I aspire to and it goes like this: “If you start something and do it regularly – even for only 12 minutes each week – and keep doing it, after a few years you’ll have something – and it might be something magical.” And in honour of Robbie – well, I have just set a timer to 20 minutes – starting now!

My First Piece Written in 20 Minutes:

“Robbie is absolutely onto something – something pretty simple and obvious. In fact I seem to remember my Granny often saying “Little and Often” when I was learning anything new. Neuroscience research shows abundant evidence that in terms of learning and developing substantial change, smaller more regular chunks of the new activity, with ‘down time’ in between, will integrate our intellectual, emotional, and physical learning more successfully. 

In schools I have come across this as ‘spaced learning’ which I like – it allows for space, for your mind and brain to process. What Brené Brown calls “The Rumblings”. 

So, here I am putting that concept into practice with this blog. Because? I would like to become more consistent to create something bigger. And, also to explore some learning concepts myself, and in turn perhaps you (dear reader who might actually be reading (and judging) this!) can begin to explore too. And in turn, bring about change in yourself. I hope to grow a practice of being more methodical and steady. Creating any regular practice and finding a way of measuring it will support that process. Hence this writing. Thank you Robbie Swayle.

I also hope in every blog post there will be a juicy more helpful element for others as well as myself. And this may be it: Thinking about ‘little and often’ reminds me of another concept – ‘Small Wins’. Sometimes, if I have a day that feels more of a struggle I have found ‘small wins’ incredibly useful to shift into a more positive way of thinking. We tend not to think of the normal mundane things such as making breakfast, kids off to school content enough, and on time, doing a quick workout, calling that person, clearing away the washing – whatever! We so easily look into the future and focus on what we haven’t done yet, sometimes sending us into a blind panic at worst, and and best, taking on the day with stress and a long to do list. 

So this writing is also a way of celebrating the small wins: Just saying to yourself “yes, that’s a win” when you finish and clear away the breakfast, “yes, that’s a win’ when you see the kids off, “yes, that’s a win” when you got dressed or made the bed even! Notice the things you are doing. Instead of all the things you haven’t, and it can help you to seize the day with more confidence and a feeling of ability. 

And my timer just went off…… so I’ll write again in 2 weeks!”  

Oh – and I’ll add this to my “That’s a win” !

Thanks for reading guys, Joey 🙂

With all the difficulties that are happening right now in the world, if you know of anyone who could benefit from coaching, anywhere, I offer pro-bono coaching engagements with charities, or with those who need it as part of my practice. Please get in touch to talk it through.

If you’d like to read a few more of these, then please sign up at the very bottom of this webpage. And if you would like to experience coaching with me I always offer a free 1 hour coaching session, with no sales, just coaching. You can book it here.

Self-Compassion Creates Positive Impact in the World

Most people I work with aren’t just in a coaching process for themselves, but shine out with compassion and care for others, a deep need to make the world a better place. They’re working with me because in one way or another they are not managing to create the level of kind and positive impact they want to, because they are not feeling kind and positive about themselves.

And when you don’t feel good, confident, content with yourself, it is harder to do good, instil confidence, lead by example and create positive impact.

Over the years I’ve come to learn that in order to build a solid confidence in yourself – you need Self Compassion – and over the last month particularly – this has stood out to me loud and clear.


Isn’t it amazing how once you start noticing something, our unconscious starts to support us in our ‘noticing’ it – we see whatever that something is – everywhere! A type of car, a person, shoes, and idea – whatever it is. And in the last few weeks I have seen, heard and felt self-compassion all over the place. (Those of you who have worked with me know I refer to our Reticular Activating System and how it functions to make this process happen, you can find a good explanation of that experience here

So, Self Compassion, it has not only been highlighted in my work with clients, but in articles I’ve read, podcasts I’ve listened to – and also within my own family and friends. Once you start listening to people speaking about themselves, it becomes acutely clear how people speak negatively about themselves habitually. It seems unarguably true that we have strong, long standing, solid inner critics. We berate ourselves – consistently beating ourselves up. 

I hear it, and, honestly, I do it too sometimes. Not many of us seem immune to this – in fact in European and Asian cultures I’ve been working in this month, it feels as though there is some kind of medal attached to making sure everyone knows that ‘don’t worry! we know our own faults!!’. We beat ourselves up, and vocally. And I have begun to understand that this is not for any negative intention, but mostly it appears to be because we think it will help us to improve. To get better, be better, do better. 

So, it’s good to ask yourself, does it really help? 

My answer is no: And here is an example of why. At the moment I am working with a primary school teacher who uses self flagellation to make sure she always keeps up, to make sure she does her absolute best, and that everything is done, her classes are ‘perfect’. Which if course they never are. So she beats herself up again, pointing out all she has done wrong to herself – because she wants to be perfect. Of course this pattern is prevalent in her personal life too, as a wife, mother, daughter, friend. Perfect. But the problem with perfect is it is never attainable. Never. Because it doesn’t exist. So she will always be berating herself, which makes her feel exhausted and never good enough – precisely because she’ll never feel good enough. And because she consistently knocks her own confidence she hasn’t actually improved in the way she wanted to. Which makes her agitated, annoyed, and not as kind and giving as fun as she wants to be! 

Perfect really is – the enemy of the good – because it doesn’t exist. 


The wonderful thing is though is that she is a teacher. And a kind, nurturing soul, who wants to give, and care for children as they grow up, equipping them with a quality education not only academically, but also emotionally and spiritually. SO, she fully understands that in order for a child to

flourish,

gain confidence,

self-belief,

and learn and succeed in school, a teacher needs to operate from a place of

love,

encouragement,

positive challenge,

patience,

highlighting the achievements….. and more!

It took her a little while but I think you just might be getting the point that she finally realised – Why on EARTH has she never done that for herself to bring the best out of herself? The best out of herself that can then go onto confidently serve and care for others.


In fact – Why on earth don’t we all do that?? 


The reasons behind it are multi-faceted and maybe we need to be understanding them – societal, family, media – but maybe we don’t need to understand them, maybe we just need to take action to become our own friend. 


Take a few minutes to answer this question: does my negative self talk really help me to improve? And see what comes up in your answer. Maybe you think sometimes it does. Sometimes it is useful to critique and learn from mistake – absolutely it is! But how do you do it? And what is the result?
And maybe your answer is, actually no. As a client of mine said of her own ‘inner critic’ – “actually it’s not kicking me up the bum, it’s kicking me down”.

Maybe we just need to start a practice of ‘noticing’ and being mindful of when we are not being kind to ourselves. When we are not being our own friend. You can then stop and ask yourself, what would a kind friend say to about this? Or, how can I reframe this to see the positive side?


I always offer a free coaching conversation as a gift, opening up a space for you to talk, and exploring how you can build a stronger more solid confidence and self-belief – and yes, maybe just be your own friend once in a while.


Have a wonderful Spring,

Joey  x

What our Kittens teach us about Love

Cute kitten time! We have kittens right now. And they bring so much love and fun (and poo) into our home. We all LOVE them no matter what they do.
It occurred to me this week that they are a wonderful example to us of ‘Level 3’ love.

…Let me explain:
In Human Needs Psychology 3 Levels of a relationship are specified:

Level 1 is where people in a relationship are focusing on what they need, and putting that first.

Level 2 is about an exchange. You believe it is fair that if you are fulfilling your partners needs, then yours should be fulfilled in return.

Level 3 is unconditional love – where you totally just know your partners needs are your needs. Not because it makes you a good person, not because they’ll love you in return – but because fulfilling your partners needs totally brightens every cell in your body. You just LOVE making them feel good – it makes you feel wonderful.
Level 3 comes with CONFIDENCE. Confidence in yourself, confidence that you are able to largely fulfil your own needs. Confidence in who you are. Confidence to love whole-heartedly.

I have never met a couple who stay at level 3 every minute of every day! But being aware of what level you are at is useful. Often couples mostly operate in Level 2, and dip into level 1. Understanding and then rising up and touching Level 3 – unconditional love – playing there regularly – it brings trust, commitment, love, intimacy, passion – and sustains a relationship like nothing else does.

Our cats miaow loudly and whinge, they scratch us – we love them. No matter what. Because to make them purr, cooch up with us and see them happy, it makes our hearts fill up with joy. And that’s what Level 3 is. I’m not saying I love my husband like I do a cat – obviously! But when we manage to reach and play in level 3 that’s the best times we have. THE BEST by far times. And in 21 years we definitely experienced all 3 levels!

If you’d like to have a conversation about how you might access Level 3 in your relationships more often (and it doesn’t need to only be in romantic relationships of course), then DM me or drop me an email. I always open a couple of free sessions every week. So you can get a flavour of what you can achieve embarking on a coaching process.

And I promise I won’t make you cuddle any cats!

Wondering what coaching with me is Like?

For some reason the concept of coaching is often a hard one to grasp. I like to explain it in 3 stages – gaining clarity on what you want to change, creating a strategy to make that change possible, and then becoming accountable for the changes – making them, and sticking to them with a coach in your corner every step of the way. This can be done from wherever you are, anytime.

Continue reading “Wondering what coaching with me is Like?”